Another Rainy Thursday

Tomorrow morning is a funeral.
The sister of the deceased a good friend.
Our village has enveloped her in love.
He was my age.
By all accounts a good person.
I did not know him.
I cannot grieve the loss of his light.
But I can praise the glory his family is receiving.
Be moved by the emotion of her heart sister.
Feel His grace in it all.

I'm so tired.
Restless.
Hungry.
Alone and lonely.
Frustrated by bureaucracy.
And every.
Little.
Thing.

Leather

He once loved

(As a friend
As a man
As a lover
As confidant)

Has become like old leather

The faded and worn leather jacket
Hidden away in the back of your closet
The last remnants of careless youth
Jealously guarded
Shamefully kept secret

A slow caress of the sleeve
The closest you will ever come
To wearing it again



Though I wouldn't trade where I am now for the wide world, "oh, to be young again"!

Parking tickets, tax forms, and pay-stubs.
The odd love letter.
Pictures and postcards.
Notes from jobs long past.
A decade of life accumulated.
Now little more than shreds of paper.
My nerves just as raw.

Until it has been thrown away,
Did you really leave the past behind?

Cleaning House

I came across two toothbrushes today.

Barely used.

Former lovers left them behind.

I held each one for a moment.

As though, for a moment, I held them again.

It took great strength to throw them away.

If I ever see them again, they certainly won't be brushing their teeth.

Or spending the night.

In all the years we've been friends,
this is the first year I missed.

Mostly intentionally.

I was going to sing you a song,
but I couldn't pick which one.

I was going to write you a poem,
but the words wouldn't work.

I tried to write you a letter,
but everything is meaningless.

I tried to call you,
but I don't know what to say.



I'm sorry I missed your birthday.

So who am I supposed to talk to?

My sister,
stressed out about her graduate work
working part-time
living her own life?

My "best friend",
happily sharing and fucking my exes
with an obvious distaste for anyone current
who never had time for me anyway?

My boyfriend,
life so regimented
so distant and almost stand-offish
with a new girlfriend to boot?

My husband,
cause of some of the frustrations I want to talk about?

My former lover,
once my closest of friends and my most trusted confidante
albeit a continuous font of frustration himself
lately purely the latter?

My mother,
endlessly giving of herself
to everyone but me
constantly too busy for me
except when it benefits her?

My father,
who knows how to tune me out without me catching on?

Small wonder I used to confide in coworkers. They were the only ones who had time for me, and that wouldn't stab me in the back.



I just feel so lonely anymore.

When you build a brick wall to keep people out...

Don't be surprised when you peek around the edge,
only to find that the same people you blocked out...

Have built their own walls to keep it that way.

Pull off the mask and see.

See only a man.

A man who will die.

The dead cannot save you.


Suddenly, you're lost.

Do you admit it?

No.

Humans are inherently stubborn.

We linger.






Screaming into the void, we linger.

I remember
Crisp November air
Salty from the ocean
Sunlight
Dancing on near-white sands
A moment
Of peace
I fell in love with you then.