In all the years we've been friends,
this is the first year I missed.

Mostly intentionally.

I was going to sing you a song,
but I couldn't pick which one.

I was going to write you a poem,
but the words wouldn't work.

I tried to write you a letter,
but everything is meaningless.

I tried to call you,
but I don't know what to say.



I'm sorry I missed your birthday.

So who am I supposed to talk to?

My sister,
stressed out about her graduate work
working part-time
living her own life?

My "best friend",
happily sharing and fucking my exes
with an obvious distaste for anyone current
who never had time for me anyway?

My boyfriend,
life so regimented
so distant and almost stand-offish
with a new girlfriend to boot?

My husband,
cause of some of the frustrations I want to talk about?

My former lover,
once my closest of friends and my most trusted confidante
albeit a continuous font of frustration himself
lately purely the latter?

My mother,
endlessly giving of herself
to everyone but me
constantly too busy for me
except when it benefits her?

My father,
who knows how to tune me out without me catching on?

Small wonder I used to confide in coworkers. They were the only ones who had time for me, and that wouldn't stab me in the back.



I just feel so lonely anymore.

When you build a brick wall to keep people out...

Don't be surprised when you peek around the edge,
only to find that the same people you blocked out...

Have built their own walls to keep it that way.

Pull off the mask and see.

See only a man.

A man who will die.

The dead cannot save you.


Suddenly, you're lost.

Do you admit it?

No.

Humans are inherently stubborn.

We linger.






Screaming into the void, we linger.

I remember
Crisp November air
Salty from the ocean
Sunlight
Dancing on near-white sands
A moment
Of peace
I fell in love with you then.

Sleep is for the weary, and the weary are for sleep.

I have told you to leave me be.

Others have told you to leave me be.

Take the hint.

And where's my money?

The night is never long enough.

For a moment in time you needed me.

I was amazed.

Like a moth to a flame, I could not resist.

Being there for you.

Holding you.

Like I always tried to do.

You spoke of words unspoken.

As though there were secrets left to share.

Were you trying to give me courage?

Or yourself?

I only ever left one thing unsaid.

Instead of pushing me away,

You should have asked me not to leave.

Just once.

All I ever wanted was for you to need me the way I needed you. Somewhere along the way I realized that it's your loss, not mine, if you don't.